Does anyone else process life, even while sleeping? I think I did a bit more of that last night…

Dad appeared in a dream again. He was up first thing watering the grass. I could tell he had already been out for an early morning run. Not sure why I dreamed it, because he wasn’t even much of a runner. But, well into his 70’s, he had established a routine of hitting the gym every day. “To dust off the cobwebs,” he’d say. Until eventually he stopped, because, “What’s the point?”

There wasn’t much else to the dream. Except waking up grateful for another “interaction” with him. This, followed by tears spilling from the outer corners of my eyes, down into my ears, as I lie there head back on my pillow.

I’ve tried to share this grief journey as vulnerably as I can, though I admit I haven’t been entirely honest. Because I wasn’t ready.

With much greater courage than I, posting on the one year anniversary of his death, Mom led the way…“Our family hasn’t shared this openly, but part of our grieving is because my husband Mike, Cheri and Lisa’s father, committed suicide Sunday, Sept. 2nd at 5:30pm in the afternoon in our backyard. That’s the short story. There is a volume of words that don’t even begin to explain for us what that means. Maybe it’s time to talk about it now. I know our family is not alone.”

Sadly, this is true. The part about Dad taking his own life, and the part about not being alone in this.

One statistic reveals that every seventeen minutes, someone, somewhere chooses death. And yet God’s Word says, “I have set before you life and death…therefore choose life.” (Deuteronomy 30:19)

I can’t emphasize enough the pain this has caused. While Dad may have ended his own pain, he multiplied it exponentially onto all who loved him. While it’s not as gut-wrenching raw, and there are mercifully fewer grief swells over time, it is a pain that lingers still.

Last month was Suicide Awareness Month. As a year has passed, it would seem that would have been an appropriate time to share. But, I was stuck. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not wanting in any way to dishonor Dad, because he was a good one. The whole of his life isn’t defined by this one horrific, permanent choice. Besides despairing of his ailing health, when he’d been so physically capable and active throughout his life, I couldn’t begin to conjecture all the reasons behind his decision. As I’ve struggled to put it to words, I’ve continued to allow myself time to process…to pray, to journal, to talk with friends and family, and to read…

I believe it was C.S. Lewis who once said, “We read to know we’re not alone.”

Here are a few books that have proved helpful…

Aftershock – Help, Hope, and Healing in the Wake of Suicide (David Cox and Candy Arrington)
Grieving a Suicide – A Loved One’s Search for Comfort, Answers, and Hope (Albert Y Hsu)
Have Heart: Bridging the Gulf Between Heaven and Earth (Sarah and Steve Berger) – With some wiggle room for what one pastor calls a sanctified imagination!
The Bow in the Cloud or Words of Comfort for Hours of Sorrow (1880 – John Ross McDuff)
GriefShare classes and workbook
Healing After Loss – Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief (Martha W. Hickman) – Not all entries are from a Biblical worldview, but most are good.
Heaven (Randy Alcorn) – 500+ pages which I haven’t finished, because I started it early in the process and it was simply too big and overwhelming for me at the time. I remember feeling frustrated with myself. “Why can’t I finish this book?” Grief is like that.

Add to that my daily Scripture readings and familiar devotionals such as Streams in the Desert, Springs in the Valley, My Utmost for His Highest, and others. For me, reading and sitting quietly with the Lord has been crucial. While this list is in no way comprehensive, I do hope something might be of use to other families touched by suicide or the passing of a loved one. Perhaps you’ll add your recommendations in the comment section below.

Most recently, I’ve been reading Mark Vroegop’s book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy – Discovering the Grace of Lament. He identifies four elements of Biblical lament, as modeled in the scriptures: turning, complaining, asking, trusting. Written by the prophet Jeremiah, the Book of Lamentations is essentially five chapters of lament following the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonian army.

Last night before bed, I read Lamentations 5:21…”Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may be restored.” Immediately, I thought of the bridge lyric in “Restored (The Grindstone Song)” from my 2007 release, BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US…

Restore me, Lord, and make me new again
I want nothing more than to soar

Vroegop points out that “there are no ‘and they lived happily ever after’ moments in Lamentations. The historic lament concludes without resolution and with questions lingering.” Still, he continues, “lament affirms God’s sovereignty when dark clouds linger.” And as William Cowper wrote, “the clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy…”

One thing I learned from Aftershock is that “every suicide survivor is looking for a way to feel normal again following a life event that is so abnormal.”

Reflecting on this and the lyric made me realize while I have made much progress, there is still room for more. More healing. More perspective. More freedom.

God’s Word amazes me. Experiencing healing from divorce and other losses, I often talk about how God turns our mourning into dancing, citing Psalm 30:11-12. “You turned my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You…” etc. In this season, I’ve been struck how utterly inadequate and unable I feel to go full force in ministry as usual. Yes, I’ve had a gig here and there, sang at a friend’s wedding, and written songs. But, nothing like the load of work and travel I’m accustomed to. I’ve kept things running on the home front, with meals, laundry, and such to support my husband. And I’ve helped a lot with the grandson. These are all good things, and my joy to do them.

Still, as of yet, there is no new album. Is this disobedience? Neglect of calling? Or perhaps God’s grace, time, and space for deeper roots and healthier branches. Before the harvest comes.

Lamentations 5:14b-15 gripped my heart, as I so identified with the sentiment. “…The young men have stopped their music. Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning.” In His great mercy, here’s what God showed me…

In some ways, the bright joy of a new husband, a new house, and a new grandson has been partly overcast by the tragic loss of my Dad. But, look at the contrast between Psalm 30 and Lamentations 5. One speaks of ‘mourning into dancing’. The other, of ‘dancing into mourning’. I appreciate how God gives voice to both, don’t you? Not that we who are grieving need justification, but it helps that God’s Word validates these seasons when they come.

In his book on Grieving a Suicide, Albert Y. Hsu writes, “Grief that has done its work in us will help us experience God’s grace more fully.”

I believe this grief is part of God’s grace to me. “Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.” (Lamentations 3:32)

Not surprisingly, it has been therapeutic to write songs and words expressing what I would say to Dad. I’ve done that in spades. You’ll hear some of it on the next project. But, more recently, I was prompted to write what I felt Dad would say to me…

     I’m sorry
     I love you
     I didn’t mean to hurt you
     I’m proud of you
     I hope you’ll keep singing
     I delight in you
     Take care of your mother
     Live to the full
     Heaven is unbelievable
     We’ll be together soon
     And you’ll see everything will be all right
     I’m all right, too

This was so helpful.

A couple weeks ago, when we sang “How Can I Keep from Singing” in church, I felt that knowing in my gut; that’s exactly what I should be doing. It is not just a calling, but also an obedience. Every day, through dark clouds and deep mercy, I get a little closer to God’s green light. In fact, the other day, I caught a glimpse of what He may have in store, with a sudden quickening in my heart. It was the album title! So, as a step of white-knuckle-faith and trembling-trusting-belief, I reveal it here…

Album #10: Cheri Keaggy – what I know to be true.

There, I typed it. That’s progress!

Ecclesiastes 7:4 reads, “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning.” Lord, give me wisdom in this house! For Your glory. For Your Kingdom. And bring Your grace to all who need Gospel Hope, which gives us the ability to lament well.

For as Vroegop wrote, “Lament is the song you sing believing that one day God will answer and restore.”

This morning, upon waking from my dream, God gave a gift. I realized while I am not yet fully restored, my father is. Whatever the reasons he took his own life…depression, pain, exhaustion, fear, despair, hopelessness, his final cry for mercy did not fall on deaf ears. He knew where he was going. For he believed on the Name of Jesus. Because of Christ’s death and resurrection, he would soon be absent from the body, present with the Lord.

As Mom said, there’s a volume of words that don’t even begin to explain what this means. I thank you for reading this much. Feel free to share as our hearts would be to see God bring beauty from Dad’s ashes, literally. Like only He can.

To those for whom suicide has hit close to home, God’s tender mercies to you and your family.

Grace and peace,

Cheri